A cat in me

Somewhere in a village that is divided by the lake Yalpug there is an old mouldering house I used to come to every year. I liked spending summers at my grandpa's home. The pale winter he died was chilly. He passed away few days after I turned twenty one.

Later that month I came to that very house I used to visit so often. My furry coat was warming my body but not my frozen mind and finger tips. The closer I was to the house the more vivid was gorgeous cat hiding behind the window frame. Looking right into me with flaming eyes defeating with her power that was ten or even hundred times bigger than mine. There was no sense in trying to compete with the face of nature. Walking down the hill to the half alive house with the cat in the window I could hear only the creak of my boots falling into the layers of snow.

When I finally came closer to my competitor I asked Her silently: " Is there destiny? Tell me. Do I get to chose?" And the ebony creature with a pair of yellow eyes sent a warm ball of flame into the air. I breathed it in and heard: "Wherever you go and whatever you do there are trials you will have to go through. You may make right decisions which won't make the path easier but will lead to a better end."

And I came closer to the window but the picture was blurry, I couldn't see my interlocutor. I swiped my tears off and could only see the projection of me in the window of an empty house. That cat still lives in me because She gives me strength when my human being gives up.

A. Georgiu

To my angel

I have been reading this book "After the Light" by Kimberly Clark Sharp where she described her NDE (near-death experience). Her stories did not let me sleep at nights.

Like me she moved to Seattle so we are in the same area. When reading about the ghosts she saw and angels (good and evil) that could protect or get in her body I could feel like there was somebody sitting on my bed. Literally. So while my roommate was gone to Mexico I have decided I would not read it. She is back so it's time to finish it. Tonight is the night! I will say goodbye to "After the Light". I just wish it was fiction...

So, I was looking for my old poems and the one I found was about love of a human for an angel. the end was tragical though. After reading Sharp's book I have decided humans and good angels are friends, more like family members, so I should rewrite my poem. And I did. It's not perfect but that's what it turned out to be:

Your wings and arrows won't save us
You may leave, just fly away!
People are blind, my angel
The earth crushes and goes astray

How many days ahead your tenderness follows me?
Shadows cuddle trying to kill my brightness
But you are always near holding me,
sharing your pure lightness

They did forget vanilla skies
and, trapped in there sorrows
You, Angel, they despise
they cannot stand your glory.

Mellow in my dreams and fly
I am the happiness
Voice of yours is a lullaby
Tucked me in and told me this story all over again.

It's who I am

For a long time I was not sure if I was strong enough to fight for my rights, my opinions, basically my choices. It would be easier just to follow the path prepared by my parents, something well planned and organized. The dilemma in my case was the fact that I did not like that road, I wanted something better than what society had to offer.

I did not get to chose my family which I am happy about. I would not make a better choice than He has. I am lucky it's not my responsibility to be there for the whole world and make sure everybody gets a destiny/life that will strengthen them. Sometimes people fail to face all the challenges and it is understandable.

I did get to chose my religion though. Being born in a USSR but raised in a free country was an interesting experience. 90s were hard in Ukraine, my parents would describe those years as very tough times with limited access to food and clothes. Everything was changing. I did not remember much, and I guess I should be happy about it. I do remember going to church with my mom and sometimes with my step-grandma. A chapel full of lid candles, huge icons, they were beautiful.

When I was 12 I remember I started asking my mom why did we have to put candles for the dead on the left side and for those who are alive on the right side, why do we have to stand and not sit at church like they show in the movies. My mom did not know the answers because she wasn't taught this in Soviet Union. The list of my question was becoming longer and longer. When I was 13 my older sister left to the US for a year as an exchange student.

She lived in Orem with a lovely family that were mormons. The only thing we knew about Latter-Day Saints was that they were very nice people according to my sister. A year past and I was 14 when she came back. That summer we made chocolate chip cookies for the first time, and my sister had this light coming out of her. She was different. Now I remember she was the one who shared the Gospel with me first, that was the summer we became so close. She gave me the book of Mormon in Russian.

We didn't have a chapel or a branch in that area. We still don't. My sister went to BYU (Brigham Young university) and when I was 17 I moved to Kiev, the capitol of my country. Half a year later I met with missionaries and about 3 months later I was baptized. When I got baptized my mom wasn't excited but she accepted it. My sister though, ironically, did not support my decision. She is still not very accepting but we are young and I hope she gets it some day. Back in Ukraine there were a few young people who had to chose between their family and church. There was a girl Katya, who at age of 18 became homeless. Her mother kicked her out because Katya changed her religion. And these things happen.

Luckily, my situation was better. Some people would say it is not easy to be a good Mormon. I would say the road to perfection is never easy. And yes, I am aware I will die being just a human with a bunch of flaws. When I was born I was perfect, without a sin. So maybe, just maybe, I will leave this world being closer to the child I used to be. All I am trying to do is experience life fixing my own mistakes. All I am shooting for is to be my best-self. And when I die I don't want to have regrets. I have made up my mind and this is who I am.

The right feeling

Since I have moved from Utah (with lower taxes, dry climate and only 5 hour distance from Vegas) to Washington people have been asking me why would I come to the rainiest state. Well, to answer it I would have to go back to February 2010 when I visited Seattle for the first time. My first half a year in the USA was not the loveliest time of my life. In fact, it sucked. Yes, there were a lot of new friends, everything was new, but there was a list of challenges. Life, it gives you challenges before giving something really great and valuable - lessons.

Anyway, I wanted to go home but I couldn't because I would not allow myself to go home defeated. Homesick I, future student of a state college/university, bought a ticket to Seattle to see my old pal that I had known for years. I wanted to fulfill one of my dreams - spend my birthday somewhere I have never been before, by myself, alone. This trip was so much needed.

First moment I stepped out of the airport fresh cold air kissed my face. It felt so good, it smelled like freedom. My friend welcomed me with flowers and that is how my love affair with Washington started...

Getting on a ferry and going to Poulsbo, where my friend Matt was living promised me a relaxing vacation. Rainy days made me feel warm and cozy, tall green trees reminded me I was a part of something big, I was a part of nature, just like they were.

I would like to say "enough of this romantic jibber jabber" but I can't. When you are in love everything about the object of your admiration is special. So, we went to Olympic National Park... All those movies and books with Narnia, Iceland and other beautiful landscapes have nothing on Northwest of Washington, nothing!

Port Angelos and Forks remind of "Twilight" series on every corner. But once you get to the beach it doesn't even matter anymore. The view is breathtaking. Cold ocean meeting the sun on the horizon, the old tree laying on the beach showing off its golden bark made me feel like I don't exist anymore, as if I was dissolved in the air, in space.

On the day of my birthday I was downtown Seattle on my own. I had an old Canon camera from my friend. I remember walking up the hill feeling alone for a moment, when a homeless guy on the corner of the street started playing saxophone. Walking around the city, watching people, smelling fresh coffee mixed with rainy dampness somehow was connecting me with the place. I have never felt so free before...

I visited Seattle quiet a few more times before I finally moved to the area. At times it may not be easy in a new place but I have a feeling I am on the right path and this is all that matters. In the end we will all die and when my turn comes I will have peace because I will know I followed my inner voice, my spirit, my intuition, my Holy Ghost, my gut. So, when people ask me why I have moved to Seattle, I can simply say "I had a feeling"...

Canada will take you

Life is a very interesting thing. We don't chose our families or places where we end up being born. Most of us get opportunities to actually make a few changes here and there and some of us do.
I was born in Ukraine, a great country with corrupted government, nation's low expectations from politicians and fear of changes. Why wouldn't they? They learned the outcomes of revolutions and wars...

Anyway, getting back to my point. I had a chance to see another side of the globe and I did like it. The USA, no matter what people say, is a great country where if there is not enough brain, they'll buy it from other countries and that is how it became so diverse, just kidding (but seriously).

I've lived in this country for 2 and a half years as a student and I do realize that with my major in Creative writing my way leads me home, to Ukraine. So now there are a few options left. First, the one you all are thinking about "just get married" is not going to work. Why? Well, divorce is not what I want for me. Divorces do hurt and a lot of people don't get married later or they do it up to five times (that's the biggest number I have heard from a friend). I would rather live in Ukraine, it's not that bad, than ruin my life marrying somebody I don't love. And I can expand this in another post maybe.

Second, I could go to my country, buckle up and make it work there. I know I wouldn't be poor there because I'm destined to be successful (self motivation). But the level of life in Ukraine is way lower than in the US and as we know, we all get used to good life fast.

Third, change major. The problem is, my sponsor is paying for my education and there is no way he will pay for more years than he was planning to.

Fourth, go to Canada. Even being a nanny there would lead to getting a green card in 2 years. After that I would need to be a good citizen (that's easy) and keep working until in 3 more years I would get citizenship.

No, Canada is not the US but if you haven't been to the US you don't really know how it feels like to be a non-citizen. Trust me, it sucks. Jumping through hoops to get a job and being able to take any just to stay on the float.

Fifth, stay and hope to get a good job that would help to get a work visa.
This feels like gambling and I am definitely not good at this.
You can chose your own path and even suggest me other ways that I haven't noticed.
At this point I am leaning toward Canada in a year or two but it would be hard to move again, start all over. I have a few real friends and they are spread all over the world. The hardest would be leaving the city I am in now. I am completely in love with rainy Seattle and it would be challenging to say "goodbye" to it.